No Need For Tenchi Universe
by Galaxy1001D
Summary: Ryoko is thrilled to discover that this story is based on Tenchi Universe, but the rest of the cast isn't so happy.


**No Need for Tenchi Universe **

By Galaxy1001D

_Tenchi Muyo and all related characters and songs are © AIC/Pioneer. This story has been written solely for entertainment. The views expressed herein do not necessarily express the opinions of AIC/Pioneer, the author, or this website._

_Based on "Tenchi Muyo" created by Masaki Kajishima_

"Oh Ryoko…" called Washu's nasal voice. "Where's my baby girl?"

"Will you cut that out?" grumbled the irritated former space pirate from the couch in the living room. "I hate it when you call me that! You abandon me my entire life and then come out of nowhere only to belittle me. Well you are about two thousand years too late, Mom!"

"How can you say that?" asked the mad scientist with false and melodramatic regret. "You have no idea how a mother feels!"

"And you have no idea how _I_ feel," Ryoko growled. "That's why you do all those cruel experiments on me! You locked me in your lab all alone and filmed me when I was crying! Kagato was an evil psychopath when _he_ abused me, what's _your_ excuse?"

"I'm sorry," Washu closed her eyes and stood on tiptoes as if she was on stage, then she pulled a handkerchief out of her pocket and started dabbing at her eyes, even though there were no tears. "I wasn't there when you needed me. I was trapped in Kagato's prison for your entire life, but I'm here _now_, sweetie-dumpling!"

"Ew!" Ryoko shuddered. "I hate my life!"

"Why is Mommy's widdle sweetie-pie moping?" cooed the redheaded mad scientist.

That question seemed to open a floodgate. "For starters, my mother is a mad scientist who thinks it's kinky to masquerade as an eleven-year-old girl. Next, she's gotten farther with the boy that I love than _I_ have!" To her credit, the cyan-haired Ryoko managed to ignore her mother's wicked giggling and merely raised her voice to make sure that her words could get through. "Don't think that I haven't noticed! Tenchi is not stupid enough to fall for your tricks all the time! I think that deep down he _wants_ to be sexually molested by a twenty-thousand year-old pervert!"

"Hey, it's not my fault that the boy's in his sexual prime," Washu clasped her hands together and attempted to look innocent, but her insane smile merely made her look frightening. "The poor kid is begging for release…but he would feel _so_ guilty if he chose one of you and broke the rest of your little hearts…so I solved the problem my way!"

"Strapping him down and stripping him to his underwear so that you could have your way with him solves the problem 'your way'?" asked a dubious Ryoko, who was too depressed to even punch the short scientist in the face.

"Well, think about it," Washu's body language became so creepy that Ryoko shivered. "It's not his fault if I make it nonconsensual, it's all that crazy Washu's fault! Hee-hee-hee! He can get satisfaction without compromising his morals!" Her voice dropped to a low husky whisper into Ryoko's ear. "It may be degrading, but I can give him total, guilt-free, sex!"

Ryoko's fighting spirit was resurrected and she shook her fist at her demented creator. "I ought 'a belt you!"

"C'mon, honey-lamb," Washu cooed with false sweetness. "Don't hold anything back. Tell Mommy how you _really_ feel!"

"You wanna know how I feel?" Tears began to form in Ryoko's angry eyes. "I feel like a freak! You didn't give birth to me, you used one of your ovum to create your own Frankenstein monster! Deep down, I'm more of a child than Sasami is, but I look like I'm approaching middle age! I fell in love with Tenchi when I watched him grow up, but when he released me from the cave; my idea of playing with him was scaring the crap out of him! I'm a freak! I'm damaged goods! I don't know _who_ Tenchi is going to end up with when this is all over, but if it's a former space pirate, I'll be amazed. If Tenchi was trapped on an island with me and his grandfather, he'd be trying to start a family with Katsuhito before he'd take a chance with me! _I hate my life_!"

"Pick, pick, pick," muttered Washu testily. "Ya wouldn't be happy if you were hung with a new rope would ya?"

"I'd even be happier if _Ayeka_ was my mother!"

"_I'd_ be happier if the author spelled Ayeka's name 'Aeka'," murmured the green-eyed inventor.

"What does…" but Ryoko's retort was interrupted when a beautiful galaxy police officer entered the room.

"Hey," said the athletic woman in the blue Galaxy Police uniform as she brushed her teal hair back to reveal the orange headband she was wearing. "Have any of you two seen Mihoshi? It's almost time for that bubblehead and I to start our patrol."

"Kiyone!" Washu and Ryoko chorused.

"But…how…?" Washu spluttered. "If you're in this story, then that means…"

"That means that this story isn't based on the OAV's!" said Ryoko happily. "It must be based on the _Tenchi Universe TV_ show! Yipee! Life is sweet!"

"Not so fast!" Washu pointed her finger at Ryoko. "This could be based on _Tenchi in Tokyo_, you know!"

"What?" Ryoko's face fell. "That would be awful! Tenchi's got to be here!" She ran off calling Tenchi's name. "Tenchi! Tenchi! Tenchi, where are you?"

"What's going on, Ryoko?" Ayeka walked into the room. "Honestly, you've been shouting loud enough to wake the dead! What's wrong with you?"

"Tenchi!" exclaimed Ryoko as she seized the Jurian by the shoulders. "Have you seen Tenchi?"

"What?" blinked the purple-haired princess. "Why do you ask?"

"He's not in Tokyo is he?" Ryoko's voice was vulnerable and feminine, completely out of character for her usual tomboy self.

"What would he be doing in Tokyo?" Ayeka mocked. Then her crimson eyes grew wide with horrid realization. "Oh, no! This story isn't based on _Shin Tenchi Muyo_ is it?"

"That's what we've got to find out!" tears were starting to form in Ryoko's eyes.

"Tenchi!" Ayeka broke away from Ryoko and started screaming the boy's name at the top of her lungs.

"Tenchi!" cried Ryoko. "Where are you?"

"What's wrong with them?" Kiyone asked Washu.

"Continuity issues," Washu shrugged back.

Ryoko turned to Ayeka and placed a finger to her lips. "Quiet, Ayeka!" she stage whispered. "We've got to calm down! You know that all of us acted like we were on crack cocaine during _Tenchi in Tokyo_!"

"Oh!" Ayeka put a hand to her mouth. "Right! We must act with grace and decorum at all times until we know for sure."

At that moment, Tenchi Masaki, a youth gifted with the ability to be the most desirable boy in all of Japan (as long as the girl had the slightest trace of alien DNA in their system) walked into the living room wearing his black school uniform. "Is everyone all right?" He asked with concern. "I thought I heard shouting."

"Tenchi!" the princess and the pirate chorused. They spread their arms, dashed across the room and tackled the poor boy in what they thought was a passionate embrace.

"I was so worried!" Ayeka whined.

"I thought that you had left me!" sniveled Ryoko.

"I was afraid you were in Tokyo!" Ayeka sobbed.

"Okay, break it up!" Kiyone commanded. "Let him breathe!"

Washu just looked down at the floor in disappointment. "Are you sure you're not Noike?"

"Hell no!" Kiyone shook her fist.

"Oh," muttered a dejected Washu.

"What's going on?" Mihoshi said as she walked into the room.

"Is everybody all right?" Sasami asked as she came in from the kitchen. Ryo-ohki was perched on her head.

"Everything's fine!" laughed Ryoko. "Everything's great! Life is good! Mihoshi, get me a mirror!"

"A mirror?" the blonde repeated. "All right." She reached into her pocket and extracted her small pink compact.

Ryoko took it from her and gazed at her reflection in the mirror. "Yes!" she exclaimed in satisfaction. "Just look at me! In _Tenchi Universe_, I could pass for a teenage girl! I'm in my twenties, tops!"

"What?" gasped a disgruntled Ayeka. In the OAV's Ryoko's butt and breasts were sagging a little, but now her rival's chest was as pert as an eighteen-year-old's. "Well in _Tenchi Forever _you were skinny and funny looking!"

"I just starved myself after Haruna took Tenchi away," Ryoko retorted with a smug confidence. The pirate hugged herself and closed her eyes and sighed with melodramatic sorrow. "Poor me…I just couldn't eat not knowing where my true love was…I wasted away to nothing." Ryoko spread her arms and wiggled her curvy body provocatively and gloated, "Just look at me! In the original version and the _Shin_ version I was skinny, but now look how voluptuous I am! In _Tenchi Universe_, I'm beautiful! There's no doubt about that! Ha-ha-ha-ha!" She threw back her head in joyous laughter.

"That's not true!" whined a horrified Ayeka. "You…you're fat in this version!" She pointed an accusing finger at Ryoko. "In most versions you're skinny and funny looking, but in this story you're fat!"

"Why princess," Ryoko breathed in sardonic confidence. "Why would you say such a cruel thing? That's so out of character for you. Even in the original version, you had to be drunk before you'd say such horrible things about a girl who's as pretty as me…unless it's _Tenchi Universe_!" She again threw back her head to chortle cruelly. "Ha-ha-ha-ha!"

That remark restored Ayeka's fighting spirit. "And just what do you mean by that?" she demanded. "I was never cruel in _Tenchi Universe_!"

"Hm, come to think of it, you always said mean things about me in the OVA's, too." Ryoko adopted an exaggeratedly thoughtful pose. "Calling me a 'monster woman' and such. Calling everyone else 'lord' or 'lady' except me. But in _Tenchi Universe_ you always upped the ante and resorted to violence first, before me. Maybe I egged you on, but you were always the first one to lash out physically, not me!"

"Meow?" Ryo-ohki asked.

"Hm," Sasami put a finger against her cheek. "I never noticed that before."

"She's right, you know," agreed Mihoshi. "You _do_ seem to lose your temper easily where Ryoko is concerned…"

"Lies!" Ayeka hands flew to her ears as she rocked herself back and forth as if in horrible pain. "Lies! I was never the first one to resort to violence, and I'll clobber you if you say anything more…!" Ayeka covered her hands with her mouth. "Oh no! I didn't mean it!"

"Ha-ha-ha-ha!" cackled Ryoko. "What's the matter, Ayeka? Losing your temper?"

"No I'm not losing my temper!" Ayeka's lovely face was twisted into a mask of rage. The purple-haired goblin that was gritting her teeth and glowering at Ryoko was a parody of the graceful and beautiful first princess of Jurai. Tiny cylindrical pieces of wood appeared in the air and then vanished into nothingness again. "I… never… lose… my… temper… Ryoko!" said the frothing princess through clenched teeth.

"Please, stop it!" Kiyone placed herself between the princess and the pirate in order to separate them. "Knock it off Ryoko! Okay, in _Tenchi Universe_, you are sexier than Marylyn Monroe after a beauty makeover, big deal! Ayeka is a perfect lady until you open _your _big mouth!"

"Sorry about that, just reveling in my new identity!" giggled the long-legged and buxom space pirate. "Ha-ha-ha!"

"Hmm," Mihoshi was deep in thought. For the normally empty-headed blonde to be in such deep concentration got Sasami's interest despite herself.

"What is it, Mihoshi?" the blue-haired princess asked innocently.

"Oh, I was just thinking," murmured the tall bronze-skinned Galaxy Police officer as she tapped her forefinger against her lips, "if this is _Tenchi Universe_ then I better get into character. It's quite a transition going from having a crush on Tenchi to being a lesbian you know…"

"What?" Everyone in the room chorused at the same time, their eyes bulging out and their faces aghast with shock. Mihoshi had succeeded in derailing the conflict between Ryoko and Ayeka without even trying.

Kiyone stepped away from Ayeka and Ryoko to face her partner. "Mihoshi, what are you talking about? You're not a lesbian."

"Why of course I am," said Mihoshi with a breeziness as if she was discussing the weather, "and you are too."

"Me?" a skeptical Kiyone raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean?"

"Well, it _is_ pretty obvious," shrugged the blue-eyed blonde. "I mean, we _do _everything together, and we're always holding hands, and cuddling, and sleeping together…"

"That doesn't prove anything!" Kiyone's blue eyes flashed in defiance. "Of course we do everything together, we're partners!"

"Exactly, we're life-partners, Kiyone," said the blonde matter-of-factly. "I thought that was self-evident."

"We're not…that…way!" Kiyone insisted. "We are partners and friends, that's all! And besides, I'm more like your guardian than your partner, anyway! I always have to take care of you like I'm your mother!"

"Gee, I'm sorry, Kiyone," a tear appeared in Mihoshi's innocent blue eye. "I don't mean to be a burden."

But Kiyone couldn't stop letting it all out. "It seems like I'm always having to scold you, hug you, hold your hand, kiss you and tuck you in at night…oh my gawd!" The athletic teal-haired woman covered her mouth with her hands. "What am I saying? That is so gay!"

"Don't make such a big deal out of it," Ryoko leaned in to leer at Kiyone. "I flirt with Ayeka all the time, so what?"

"_Excuse_ me?" sputtered an indignant Ayeka.

Ryoko strode back to Ayeka and leaned in close to the princess while pushing up her breasts by squeezing them with the upper sections of her arms. "Sure, we flirt all the time. Why do you think I'm always teasing you, hmm?" the pirate winked saucily. "If Tenchi is too shy or repressed to respond to me, there's always Plan B!"

"P-plan B?" gasped the horrified princess. "I-I'm '_Plan B'_?" At this moment, Tenchi didn't know what was upsetting Ayeka more, being hit on by Ryoko or being Ryoko's _second_ choice. "_I'm 'Plan B'_?!" Ayeka screeched like a bird of prey. "You never know when to _stop_, do you?"

Ryoko fixed the first princess of Jurai with a look that Tenchi knew all too well. "Why Ayeka, did anyone ever tell you that you're cute when you're angry? Honestly, when I see that vein throbbing like that it makes me want to smoke a cigarette." Somehow, the pirate managed to combine calm, smugness, and sexuality into her voice at once, a feat that she was never able to accomplish in _Tenchi Muyo Ryo-ohki_ or _Shin Tenchi Muyo_. This was _Tenchi Universe_ _TV _all right.

"A-a cigarette?" Ayeka trembled in fear at Ryoko's close proximity. "Th-then that must mean you… Oh!" the purple-haired princess put her hand over her mouth and backed away meekly. After she had retreated to a safe distance, her courage returned and she hissed venomously: "Gutterbrain!"

As Ryoko once again burst into cruel laughter Kiyone crossed her arms and stomped her foot. "Mihoshi and I are _not_ lesbians!" she insisted. "I don't know about the rest of you, but I for one have never made love to another woman!"

"That's not true!" Mihoshi chirped as she wagged her finger. "Kiyone is just a _very _sound sleeper."

"What the f…?!" Kiyone's eyes bulged out to double their normal size as she narrowly avoided using profanity in front of Sasami's virgin ears. The teal-haired woman seized the bubbly blonde by the shoulders and shook her partner violently. "What do you mean by that, huh? What do you mean, 'Kiyone is a very sound sleeper'? What have you been _doing_ while I'm asleep?"

A bead of sweat appeared on Mihoshi's temple. "Er…uh…nothing," she stammered lamely.

Ryoko's obnoxious guffaws caused a vein to appear on Kiyone's forehead. "And just what do _you_ think is so funny, you bisexual bimbo?"

"I'm just thinking of what Nobuyuki once said when he first met you," Ryoko responded. "He said 'good friendships between women are a beautiful thing indeed.' He was so right! Hee-hee-hee-hee!" Ryoko's laughter became more maniacal by the second. "Oh my gawd, I'm gonna bust a gut with laughing!"

Tenchi tore his eyes away from the spectacle in front of him and looked down at a forlorn Sasami. "What's the matter, Sasami? Are you okay?"

"I'm just thinking," said the princess with glistening pink eyes. "In _Tenchi Universe_, Kagato murdered the entire royal family, didn't he?" she asked sadly. "That means my parents are dead, aren't they? Ayeka and I are orphans."

Tenchi knelt down and put his hand on her shoulder. "We don't know that for sure. It all happened offstage. Try to look at the bright side. In this story, you aren't assimilated with Tsunami and can just be yourself."

"Really?" the little princess perked up. "No horrible nightmares? No identity crisis?"

"Nope," Tenchi shook his head. "Let's face it, being a princess of the most powerful planet in the universe is responsibility enough."

"You can say that again!" Sasami hugged Tenchi with relief. The cabbit on perched on her head put its paws on Tenchi in a hugging motion too. "I guess being in a _Tenchi Universe_ story isn't so bad."

"That's the spirit," Tenchi assured her.

In the meantime, Ayeka and Ryoko were continuing their argument while Kiyone was choking Mihoshi and shaking her.

"Don't act so smug!" Ayeka pointed an accusing finger at the space pirate. "You haven't won yet! Even at the end of _Tenchi Forever_, Tenchi still hadn't chose one of us over the other."

"Aw come on, Princess, read between the lines," gloated Ryoko. "In _Tenchi Universe_'s race to Tenchi's heart, I'm in the lead and all you can see is the back of my green, spiky head! The end titles of _Tenchi Forever _spelled it out to anyone who wasn't paying attention. In that movie, Tenchi kept making paintings of a woman with wild, greenish white hair, not some broad with purple ponytails that reached to the floor. That completely supports the last episode of _Tenchi Universe_. Let's face it, in this continuity, I've won! Tenchi and I might as well pick a wedding date. Ah-ha-ha-ha!"

"You!" growled Ayeka. "You just don't know when to stop! _You_ marry Tenchi? _I will not allow it_!" Tiny logs appeared in the air around the princess and the pirate.

"Whatsamatter, Ayeka, starting a fight?" taunted Ryoko. "Bring it on, I like a good brawl when I didn't start it!" She cupped her hands and a dark pink ball of energy appeared in her palms, casting strange shadows all over the room.

"You beast!" Ayeka melodramatically pointed her finger accusingly at the space pirate. "You'd like that, wouldn't you? I see what's happening now! Every time I get anywhere with Tenchi you always make me lose my temper and turn me into the Wicked Witch of the West! Thanks to you, Tenchi never gets to see my sweet and gentle side! You've sabotaged me from the start!"

"What's the matter, Ayeka," snarked Ryoko. "You just figuring that out right now? Let's face it, Ayeka, you're smart, pretty, refined, _and_ rich! I had to do _something_ didn't I? Poor little underdog me, didn't have a chance fighting fair, y'know!"

"You…you…" Ayeka couldn't find the words, but at least she found the willpower to make the wooden cylinders summoned by her Jurai power go away. "You pirate!"

"And that's another thing," Ryoko put her hands on her hips. "In this continuity, people are always calling me a space pirate, but let's face it, in this universe, I'm not dangerous at all!" She struck a darling pose that was reminiscent of Washu in the OVA's. "I don't think of myself as a pirate, I'm just a sweet misunderstood girl who's in trouble with the law! Have you ever known me to hijack a spaceship or hurt anyone? I just steal a little money, that's all! And only when we really need it!"

"Maybe in _Tenchi Universe_," Kiyone said in a cold voice, "but in _Tenchi In Tokyo_ you're a violent criminal!"

"But that's the point," grinned Ryoko. "In _this_ story I'm just a happy-go-lucky rogue! Tenchi's too boring, and I'm too reckless. But together, we're complete! I _love_ my life!"

Ryoko raised her fist in triumph, but a maudlin sobbing broke the mood. To everyone's surprise, it didn't come from Ayeka. Or Mihoshi. Or even Kiyone.

"Washu?" asked a concerned Tenchi. "What's wrong?"

"I-in the original series my character was so interesting, so complex," she sniffed, turning away as she dabbed at her eyes with her handkerchief. This time there really _were_ tears to wipe away. "I was a major part of the plot, I was funny, I was a mother, I was sexy… and now in this story I'm just an eccentric caricature of myself with an irritating voice."

"Boy, you can say that again," Mihoshi agreed heartily. "You sound just like Roseanne Barr."

"What did you say?" Washu's face assumed a bestial countenance and her voice became especially unpleasant.

"Mihoshi, you gotta think before you speak," Tenchi sighed.

"Oops," Mihoshi blushed and put her hands on her mouth.

"Hey, that's right," said Ryoko, getting ready for the attack. "I forgot all about you!"

"C'mon, leave me alone," muttered Washu. "I just lost a daughter, you know."

"Oh the shoe's on the other foot now, isn't it?" Ryoko crouched over Washu like a hungry predator. "When you're my mother, I can't get away from you, but now that you're not, you can't wait to get away from me, is that it? Well too bad, 'cause I don't have to take any more crap out of you!"

"Shut up!" Washu's voice was quiet and dangerous.

"You can't tell me what to do!" crowed Ryoko. "Who do you think you are, my mother? Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!" The pirate's laughter was even more heartless then it had been when it was directed at Ayeka.

Washu clenched her fists and growled. A vein bulged on her neck and she gnashed her teeth. Suddenly Washu started with surprise and then grinned a smile that would make Jack Nicholson start with fright. Ryoko gasped and took a step back. She could sense danger and realized that Washu's revenge would be worse then anything that Ayeka could ever dream of.

"Oh but you _are_, my dear," Washu breathed with deadly sweetness. The entire room fell into silence. Somewhere in the Masaki residence, a fly broke wind.

Ryoko's eyes bulged out and she staggered backwards perspiring heavily. "What-what do you mean by that? Y-you aren't my mother! I grew up on Jurai and met Ayeka when we were just children, remember?"

"Yes, I know," the redhead responded with the same threatening gentleness that sent tremors of shivers through everyone in the room.

"You were trapped in that cave for seven hundred years!" Ryoko insisted as she clenched her fists and hunched into a fighting stance. "_You_ not me! _You_ were trapped in the cave! _I'm_ only twenty years old, twenty-five tops! You can't be my mother! You can't!" Tears formed in Ryoko's eyes as she became close to panic. "How could you possibly be my mother? Huh? How?"

"Very well," Washu's voice was quiet, barely louder than a whisper, yet everyone in the room could hear her clearly. Tenchi realized that he was holding his breath. Washu closed her eyes and then opened them again. "I will tell you. My story begins over seven centuries ago…

"In those days the galaxy was rocked by political turmoil. Not even the Royal Science Academy was safe. My husband was killed by extremists who felt that his experiments in space-time threatened the stability of the universe. It was only after the funeral that I discovered that I was pregnant with his child. I vowed that my offspring would not be killed by violence, and I set about creating a way to make you indestructible, Ryoko.

"I removed the unborn fetus from my womb and placed it in a life-support tank that would preserve it indefinitely until I perfected my mastery of genetic engineering. Years passed, but I eventually managed to modify the genetic structure of my unborn daughter until she became a living weapon. Superior strength, endurance and agility would be hers to command. She would be able to fly among the heavens and generate forcefields and force bolts with the incredible bioelectrical energy that I developed from modifying genetic material that I acquired from the placenta of children born to the Jurian royal family. Her reflexes would extend not only to her physical abilities, but her mental ones as well. No mugger or assassin would ever threaten her. She would be a champion to the downtrodden if she wanted to, or simply a housewife that could protect her family and never have to suffer as I have.

"Alas, I'm afraid the tragedy of my husband's death must have unhinged me, for not only did I turn my darling daughter into the ultimate warrior, I also designed and built weapons of mass destruction. The Royal Science Academy stopped my experiments before they were blamed for my actions and placed me in temporal stasis and banished me from known space. I don't know how long I was in empty space, but I eventually fell to Earth where the superstitious natives sealed me in the Masaki shrine.

"Then _you_ freed me, Ryoko! I don't know how, but on some level you must have been drawn to the cave, to my place of imprisonment. You broke me out of my temporal prison, out of that giant crystal that would have confined me for all eternity, but thanks to you I was free!

"I admit that I was not myself at first, that what I had been through had driven me half-mad! I threw myself into experiments that made sense only to myself, toying with time and relative dimensions in space just because I could, and then a _real_ emergency turned up.

"The universe, it seemed was not any safer now then it had been in my time. A pretender seized control of the throne of Jurai and spread his baleful influence over the entire universe! Members of the royal family were quietly eliminated, until only Ayeka and Sasami were left.

"Once again given purpose, I participated in their rescue and then fled with you all from the Galaxy Police until we finally tracked down the pretender to Jurai. There, Tenchi defeated the evil Kagato and freed Jurai and the galaxy from his evil grip. When Ayeka and Sasami assumed power, we were all rewarded, but our prizes came at a great cost.

"Ryoko never returned after taking Tenchi to Jurai. I was elected honorary president of the Universal Science Academy when I promised to use my genius only for peace. From that lofty position, I could search the universe for our fallen comrade, but as it turned out, I didn't have to."

Washu walked over to Sasami and plucked Ryo-ohki, the feline/rabbit hybrid off of the princess' head. The scientist hugged and petted the cabbit as she continued her tale.

"As it turns out, Ryo-ohki found me. She had tuned in to the news broadcast of my inauguration ceremony and knew where to find me. Ryoko, when your heart stopped beating, Ryo-ohki used the crystals floating inside her to suspend your biological functions until help could be found. Just like cryogenic storage, only without the freezer burns.

"I spent weeks using careful applications of Jurai energy to reverse the damage done to your cells, and that is when I discovered the truth. I should have realized sooner! Your nose, ears, and chin are just like mine! The reason why you are so tall because I wanted you to walk among the gods."

"Now wait a minute," Ryoko interrupted. "I'm not _that_ tall!"

"You're taller than me or your father, that's all I know," shrugged Washu, irked at being interrupted during her narrative.

Ayeka raised her hand to ask a question. "But how come Ryoko was born centuries after you were imprisoned?" she asked. "In this version, Ryoko is only as old as _I_ am!"

"Ah, good question!" Washu sounded more like her braggy, over theatrical self. "I made inquiries at the Royal Science Academy to discover what had happened to my unfinished experiments. It turns out that after centuries of being frozen in temporal stasis, Ryoko's embryo had been discovered allowed to come to term. After she was born, Ryoko was eventually placed in a foster home and lived next to the gardens of the Jurai royal family. When she was a teenager, she worked as a chambermaid in a luxury hotel until her powers manifested and she decided to make money the easy way, by stealing it!"

"I see," Ayeka put a hand over her mouth to stifle her laugh. "Well, that's the way it goes. Power corrupts I guess. Ah-ho-ho-ho!" she cackled in her witchy laugh.

"You ought 'a know, Princess," snapped an irate Ryoko. "_Your_ family has been in power for thousands of years! Just the right amount of time to become _really_ corrupt!"

"Hey, I come from a good lineage!" protested Ayeka. "Don't blame me for the bad decisions _you've _made in your life!"

"Ahem!" Washu cleared her throat in a loud obnoxious voice. "D' you mind? We're talking about _my_ family now. Thank-cue! Ahem, as I was saying, I didn't find out until later that Ryoko was my daughter." She directed her next words towards her offspring. "Ryoko, when I managed to heal your injuries and restore you to life I decided not to awaken you until I sent you back into space aboard Ryo-ohki. I made sure that you were kept ignorant about my assistance. It was then that I decided to leave the public spotlight to be with you, and wait until the right moment to tell you the truth. I knew _exactly_ where you would go! Back to Tenchi of course. To get out of my position in the Universal Science Academy, I simply created a device that could destroy the entire universe and got kicked out. Simple, huh?"

"Simple?" Tenchi choked out. "Are you crazy?"

"After all I had been through, do you think that I would be completely sane?" Washu retorted. "I knew that Ayeka would protect me from prosecution. And when I let her know that I was heading back to Earth, I knew that she would follow. Sure enough, one by one we all came back to you, Tenchi, and we're now the one big happy family you see now!"

"But why didn't you say anything?" Kiyone asked. "Why send Ryoko back out into space without knowing the truth? Why keep it all a big secret?"

"Didn't I just tell you that I didn't think I was completely sane?" Washu said snippily. "I didn't want to complicate things or drive Ryoko away! I left my position at the Universal Science Academy because when I discovered the truth about Ryoko's identity, it reminded me that being in the limelight could be dangerous! So I made sure that one by one each of you would come back here where it's safe!"

"What?" Kiyone gasped. "_You're_ responsible for the loss of our promotions? And all this time I thought it was Mihoshi's fault!"

"Stop pretending!" Washu snapped. "You like it here, and you know it! You're just too proud to admit that you wouldn't mind a quiet life after being on the run from the law for so long!"

Kiyone was so upset that she couldn't form words, not even profanity. She just kept making grunts through her clenched teeth that sounded like strangled buzzing noises. Her clearest words were "You lousy, stinking…"

Washu seized Ryoko's eyes with her own. "You'll notice that after we all returned from space I acted a lot more rationally," she stated to her daughter. "I was perfectly serious and rational when Kain threatened to destroy Tenchi's family and when Haruna took him away. I wanted to make sure that I was completely myself before I hit you with the knowledge that _I am your mother_. You know that in your heart there's no denying it."

"Nooo," wailed Ryoko. "It's not true! You just made all that up! You just want me back in your power!"

"Maybe," Washu winked cheekily. "But too bad. Now that I just said all of that it's part of this story's continuity!"

"No," groaned a defeated Ryoko. "This can't be happening… not again…"

"Sorry Ryoko," said Tenchi as he and Sasami walked out the room, "but you brought this on yourself."

Ayeka took Mihoshi and Kiyone's hands in hers. "Let's leave these two together for a little mother-daughter bonding, shall we?" the princess snickered cruelly. "They must have _so_ much to talk about. Hee-hee-hee!"

"Wait…" Ryoko stretched out her hand and exhaled in a weak voice. "Don't go…"

"Don't worry, sweetie-pie!" Washu jumped up and wrapped her arms around cyan-haired woman. "You still got me! Your _mommy_ isn't going anyplace honey-lamb! We can now spend lots and lots of time getting to know each other!"

As Washu exploded into maniacal laughter tears streamed out of Ryoko's eyes as she looked down at the floor and moaned. "I don't want to live… I hate my life…"

THE END

_When you go fishing you catch  
a boot or some other trash  
When you play at cards you lose all your cash _

_You're so pathetic you never win and you never will  
Not the kind of girl who'd make any guy feel a thrill _

_I'm sorry you'll never be a goddess like me  
Set aside this is how it's got to be _

_I'll get the guy, yes I'm the one who will always win the day  
I'm strong and I am beautiful, what more can I say?  
I'll get the guy, He'll hold me close  
Till the very end of time  
When you lose how you will moan and cry  
'Cause the guy will be mine!_

_**Up-Walk in Galaxy **_

_Music and Arrangement by Ikuro Fujiwara  
Lyrics by Natsuko Karedo  
Japanese Vocals by Ai Orikasa & Yumi Takada  
English Vocal by Diane Michele _


End file.
